Clean Jokes

Funny One

2009-06-12T21:24:00.000-07:00

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive! Electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

What 'Honest' Means

2009-06-11T00:12:00.000-07:00

Worldwide survey was conducted by the! UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the

food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure,

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant,

In India they didn't know what 'honest' meant,

In Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant,

In China they didn't know what 'opinion' meant,

In the Middle East they didn't know what 'solution' meant,

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant,

And in the USA they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant!

6 Truths of Life

2009-06-09T21:52:00.000-07:00

1. You cannot touch all your top teeth with your tongue.

2. All idiots, after reading the first truth, will try it.

3. And discover that the first truth is a lie.

4. You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

5. You soon will forward this to another idiot.

6. There's still a stupid smile on your face.

I apologize about this.

I'm an idiot too and I needed company .

Married Secret

2009-06-05T23:32:00.000-07:00

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

X asked, "Can you explain?"

Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"

Y said," Smaller issues like which car we should buy, how much amount to save, when to visit home town, which Sofa, air conditioner, refrigerator to buy, monthly expenses, whether to keep a maid or not etc are decided by my wife. I just agree to it"

X asked, "Then what is your role?"

Y said," My decisions are only for very big issues. Like whether America should attack Iran, whether Britain should lift sanction over Zimbabwe, whether to widen African economy, whether Sachin Tendulkar should retire etc etc. Do you know one thing, my wife NEVER objects to any of these".

Night Courses

2009-05-30T22:10:00.000-07:00

Raman: Narayan, I've been attending night classes for 5 months now and I have an exam next week.

Narayan: oh!

Raman: For example, do you know who is Graham Bell?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the inventor of the phone in 1876; if you take night Courses you would know this.

The next day, the same discussion took place:

Raman: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "The 3 Musketeers", if you take night courses, you would know this.

The next day, once again:

Raman: And do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is?

Narayan: No

Raman: He's the author of "Confessions", if you take night courses, you would know this.

This time, Narayan got irritated and said:

Narayan: And you, do you know who is Balakrishnan Kuppuswamy?

Raman: No

Narayan: He's the guy roaming with your wife!! If you stop night courses, you would know.

Joke of The Day !!!!!! ( CEO )

2009-05-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you've been with

the company for a year. You started off in the post room, one week later you were

promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district

manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice chairman.

Now it's time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company. What

do you say to that?”

“Thanks,” said the employee.

“Thanks?” the boss replied. “Is that all you can say?”

“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”

Good News / Bad News

2009-05-26T21:37:00.000-07:00

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him, "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: Well, give me the bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

Patient: That's terrible! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this?

Doctor: You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

Joke of The Day !!!!!! ( Confession )

2009-05-20T21:35:00.000-07:00

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, father. She started to repay me with sexual favors."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way. But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

Why do you want a divorce

2009-05-18T21:18:00.000-07:00

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

Married Secret

2009-05-17T21:26:00.000-07:00

Once X asked Y, "What is the secret behind your happy married life?"

Y said, "You should share responsibilities with due love and respect to each other. Then absolutely there will be no problems."

X asked, "Can you explain?"

Y said, "In my house, I take decisions on bigger issues where as my wife decides on smaller issues. We do not interfere in each other's decisions."

Still not convinced, X asked Y "Give me some examples"

X asked, "Then what is your role?"

Poor Guy

2009-05-10T21:42:00.000-07:00

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood. They we're celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and decided to walk down the street to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they'd shared and where he had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car and lands practically at their feet. Sally quickly picks it up and decides to take it home until they decide what to do with it. There, she counts the money, and it's fifty thousand dollars.

The husband says, "We've got to give it back."

She says, "Finders keepers," and puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood looking for the money and show up at their home. They say, "Pardon me, but did either of you find or know about some money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

She says, "No."

The husband quickly interjects, "She's lying!! She hid it up in the attic."

She says, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

However, the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. "Sir, please tell us the story from the beginning."

The old man says, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday..."

The FBI agents immediately look at each other and say, "Let's get out of here!!"

Santa's Hunting License

2009-05-06T21:05:00.000-07:00

A Santa Singh went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who just didn't like Santa Singh. The game warden ordered the Santa Singh to show his hunting license, and the Santa Singh pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Ontario.

This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec hunting' license, boy?"

The Santa Singh reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting License.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Quebec duck. This Duck's from

Manitoba. You got a Manitoba license?"

The Santa Singh reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba hunting license. The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Manitoba duck. This here duck's from Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin' license?"

Again the Santa Singh reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia

hunting license. The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at theSanta Singh "Just where the hell are you from?"

The Santa Singh turned around, bent over, dropped his pants showing his butt and said, "You tell me, you're the expert???"

:haha::haha::haha::haha::haha:

SNOTTY RECEPTIONIST

2009-05-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

'YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?'

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

Moral:

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS

Doing this great deed:)

2009-04-30T21:14:00.000-07:00

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

I'm just trying to be helpful:)

2009-04-28T22:01:00.000-07:00

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man.

He's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

One Honest Man

2009-04-26T21:55:00.000-07:00

One evening a man walked into a fast-food chicken place and bought a nine-piece bucket of chicken. He took his chicken to the park for a romantic dinner under the moonlight with his lady.

Upon reaching into the bucket, however, he received a surprise. Instead of chicken he discovered what was apparently the restaurant's night deposit - some nine thousand bucks. The young man brought the bucket back to the store and asked for his chicken in exchange for the money.

The manager, in awe of the young man's honesty, asked for his name and told him he wanted to call the newspaper and the local news station to do a story on him. He would become a local hero, an example of honesty and morality that would inspire others! The hungry man shrugged it off, "My date's waiting. I just want my chicken." The manager's renewed amazement over the young man's humility almost overwhelmed him.

He begged to be allowed to tell the story on the news. At this the honest man became angry with the manager and demanded his chicken. "I don't get it," the manager responded. "You are an honest man in a dishonest world! This is a perfect opportunity to show the world that there are honest people still willing to take a stand for what is right.

Please, give me your name and also the woman's name. Is that your wife?" "That's the problem," said the young man. "My wife is at home. The woman in the car is my girlfriend. Now let me have my chicken so I can get out of here."

Santa Banta Make A Tunnel...

2009-04-24T21:24:00.000-07:00

Everybody knows the famous under creek/sea tunnel joining England and France. Before it's construction, the tenders were invited from

various construction companies by giving newspaper ads throughout the world. Banta Singh came across one such ad and he decided to fill

the tender. On the day of opening the tenders everybody was surprised to find Banta Singh's tender at it's very lowest. Other tenders were

quoting billions of pounds, Banta Sing had offered to do the job for just 10000 pounds. Now , as per the rule Banta was to get the contract.

Before giving works order to Banta Singh, the officer asked BantaSingh as to how he could afford to work at such a low budget. Banta Singh

said,"look, back home, there is my brother, Santa Singh.I will call him here. We will take two shovels. I will start diging from English bank and

Santa Singh will start digging from French bank. The moment we meet, you get a tunnel." The dumbstruck officer asked with courage," and if

you don't meet?" Banta Singh replied," then you will get two tunnels in same cost."

Psychopath test

2009-04-19T21:55:00.000-07:00

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads. No one I know has gotten it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man who she did not know. She thought he was 'amazing'. She believed him to be her dream partner so much, that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What was her motive for killing her sister? Give this some thought before you answer, see answer below:

ANSWER: She was hoping the guy would appear at the funeral again. If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly. If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off my e-mail list.

Funniest Joke

2009-04-17T22:02:00.000-07:00

Once Santa & Banta were travelling along with their friends Monty & Jaggi. On a road surrounded by forests on both sides, their car was attacked by robbers. Santa & his friends were pulled out of the car. The robbers blasted the car and took Santa, Banta and their friends in the middle of the forest where their boss was residing.

Now, this boss was fond of jokes. So, he put the condition that whoever tells a joke that makes every single person laugh should be left unharmed and alive, but if one single person doesn't laugh then the joke-teller would be shot to death.

Banta started telling the funniest joke he had ever heard, "One day........." and when he was finished, everybody were falling with laughter except Santa. So according to the vow, the boss shot poor Banta.

Now, it was the turn of Monty. He also told the best joke he had ever heard. Again everybody laughed including the boss & his robbers, but still Santa was quite as a statue. So the boss shot him.

Then came Jaggi. As he opened his mouth to tell the joke, Santa suddenly burst into laughter. Everyone was puzzled. Santa was laughing madly.

The boss asked him, "Why the hell are you laughing without hearing the joke?"

Santa said laughing and giggling, "Oh! How funny Banta's joke was!"

7up

2009-04-13T22:10:00.000-07:00

Bola was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company." The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.

About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.

Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave. When Bola asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air." The man continued,

-"I work for 7-UP."

Joke : The Milk

2009-04-13T05:02:00.000-07:00

The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying.

So, the nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her

last journey

comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she

refused.

Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen.

Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift

the previous

Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the

warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass to

her lips.

Mother drank a little, then a little more and before they

knew it, she

had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother Superior," the nuns asked earnestly,

"please give us some

wisdom before you die."

The Rev Mother raised herself up in bed and with a pious

look on her

face, said..

...."Don't sell that cow!"

language cours

2009-04-11T04:50:00.000-07:00

Woh listen listen likhti rahi

Main lesson lesson prhta raha

Woh dream dream likhti rahi

Main drum drum prhta raha

Woh call me call me likhti rahi

Main kill me kill me prhta raha

Woh date date likhti rahi

Main dot dot prhta raha

Woh meet meet likhti rahi

Main mat mat prhta raha

Wo love love likhti rhi

Me leave leave prhta rha

Wo kiss kiss likhti rhi

Me kash kash prhta rha

Wo shadi kar k chali gai

Mn language course he krta rha

The Best "Out-Of-Office" E-Mail Auto-Replies:

2009-04-10T21:55:00.000-07:00

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.

The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.

The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"

The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.

The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.

The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a**hole when you're drunk, Superman."

Gravity-Defying Tequila

2009-04-09T23:39:00.000-07:00

1: I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.

2: I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.

3: You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

4: Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I may be promoted to management

5: I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

6: Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.

7: The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again.'

(The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over).

8: Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

9: Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.

10: Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.

11: I've run away to join a different circus.

AND, FINALLY, THIS ONE TAKES THE CAKE:

12: I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons.

When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'

Only one sardar left alive:)

2009-04-08T21:55:00.000-07:00

” Panjab News ” gets news that 250 sardars are killed in a train accident at Amritsar station.Only one sardar left alive.

The Media goes to him and asks, Sardarji how did it happen?

Sardar: oh ji pucho mat.. sab kuch sahi tha sab log platform par khade

gaadi ka wait kar rahe they. Achanak announcement hui ke shatabdee express 2 no. platform par aa rahi hai. Jaise hi sab ne suna ke gaddi PLATFORM PAR aa rahi hai, sab log apni jaan bachane ke liye patri par kood gaye. Aur tabhi gaddi patri par aa gayi.

Media : Thank god. Aap ne samajhdari dikhayee. Aap patri par nahin koode.

Sardar: oye nahin ji main to suicide karne ki liye patri par hi leta tha. Jaise hi announcement hui main to platform par char gaya.

Santa and Banta looking at a models catalog

2009-04-07T21:52:00.000-07:00

Santa and Banta were looking at a catalog and admiring the models.

Santa says to Banta, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Banta replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Santa says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Banta smiles and pats him on the back, "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Banta asks Santa, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the catalog?"

Santa replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

Application Form For "Lok Sabha Election"

2009-04-06T22:00:00.000-07:00

Application Form For "Lok Sabha Election"

(Application Form to Be Filled For Contesting Lok Sabha Election)

1.Name of Candidate: _____________________

2.Present Address:

(i.)Name of Jail: _____________________

(ii.)Cell Number: _____________________

3.Political Party: _____________________

*List ONLY the Last Five parties in Chronological (Order)

6.Reasons for leaving last party (circle one or more)

7.Reasons for contesting elections (circle one or more)

A- To make money

B- To escape court trial

C- To grossly misuse power

D- To serve the public

E- I have no clue

(If you choose "D", attach Certificate of Sanity from a Recognized Government Psychiatrist)

8.How many years of public service experience do you possess?

9.Give details of any criminal cases pending against you (Use as many Additional Sheets as you want)

10.How many years have you spent in Jail? [ ]

(Donot confuse with question

11.Are you involved in any financial scams? [ ]

E- I see a foreign hand.

12.What is your Annual Corruption Income? [ ]

A- 100-500 Crores

B- 500-1000 Crores

C- Overflow...

(Convert all your $ earning from Hawala etc to Rupees)

13. Do you have any developmental plans for India in mind? [ ]

14.Describe your achievements in space provided:

[_________]

Issued in public interest by Election Commission of India.

There were 4 passengers in a an aeroplane.

2009-04-05T22:14:00.000-07:00

There were 4 passengers in a an aeroplane

1. priest

2. student

3. actor

4. politician

While traveling in middle air, the plane had a big problem, there was no fuel left. So all four of them started thinking of ideas of how they could escape. (they did not want to die) They finally got a bag where parachutes were stored but unfortunately there were only 3.

So the actor took 1 parachute and said i have to live on because l have many fans and he jumped.

The politician took another and jumped off by saying i have to lead my country and its people.

So left with only 1 parachute, the priest decided it to give it to the student as he was young and had life to see and as for he is a priest he didnt want a sin to be commited by him of not saving the student.

the student smiling away said " father, dont worry we will both survive!! the politician took my school bag instead of the parachute"

the priest and the student both survived while the politician must have been trying to open his parachute.